Elephant Boy

ELEPHANT BOY COMPUTERS

Marian Routh, Prop.

Located in the Wonderland of Fresno, California, United States, Earth, The Multiverse
(559) 435-1224

Serving Businesses and Individuals in the Fresno/Clovis Area with Quiet Dignity and Grace

Our Motto is "Don't Panic"

* Troubleshooting     * Training     * Data Recovery     * Networking     * Virus/Malware Removal
* Repairs/Upgrades     * Whatever     * Groveling Upon Request



What We Do    Rates    Begging & Pleading    Who We Are    FAQ    Links
                  

What We Do

Troubleshooting, virus/spyware removal, data recovery, repairs and upgrades, networking, computer training, software/hardware installation, and generally whatever else is needed to make you and your computer happy.  We don't have a retail store, so we can provide an objective idea of what will work best for our clients. Basically, we provide freelance technical support to home users and small businesses. Although we can provide any necessary hardware for clients, we do not sell hardware. Therefore, if we recommend that you buy a new hard drive or even a new computer you can be assured we are not saying this just to move inventory. We support all Windows operating systems, Linux, and Mac OS X (no classic).

Rates

In-Shop Service

$40/hr., 1 hour minimum
Additional time after the first hour is charged in 30-minute increments

On-site Service

    Within Fresno (Standard Service Area)

    $80 for the first hour, 1 hour minimum
    $40/hr. for additional time, charged in 30-minute increments

    Outside Fresno (and outside Standard Service Area)

    $80 travel time charge - if travel time exceeds 1 hour round-trip it is billed at $80/hr., charged in 30-minute increments
    $80/hr., 1 hour minimum - additional hours charged in 30-minute increments

    Our Standard Service Area is: 

    * From Marks to Cedar to the east
    * From Marks to Hayes to the west
    * From Bullard to the Fort Washington area to the north
    * From Bullard to Belmont to the south

We do not normally bill and payment is required when the service is rendered. We've tried to explain to the children about waiting 30 days to eat, but they don't seem to understand. We take checks and cash, no credit cards. We've considered accepting shiny rocks or all-expenses-paid trips to fabulous foreign lands but our accountant says "no".

For home users, you really should consider bringing the computer in, especially if it is probable that your computer is infected by viruses and/or spyware.  Since Elephant Boy Computers was started many years ago, removing viruses and other malware has gone from being relatively quick and easy to a complex and time-consuming process.  The number of malware programs commonly known as "spyware" has exploded.  These evil programs can also be difficult to remove, and the necessary scanning with antivirus and spyware removal tools can take a long time.  If the computer is being scanned here, you are not being charged for that time because I'm not actively working on your machine.  If I am sitting at your house waiting for various scans to finish, my meter is running.  Also, there are other factors in computer repair that make having the machine in the shop a better idea.

If you are unable to bring the computer in and are in the Standard Service Area, pickup and delivery can be arranged for an additional fee of $65.

Begging & Pleading

You should hire Elephant Boy Computers because:

* We're 
honest.
* We're good.
* We need the money.

We'll take good care of your silicon-based life forms.  Our rates are extremely competitive, and we are shamelessly eager to please.

Who We Are

Marian Routh is a native New Yorker who has been living in Fresno, California since 1982.  She's really, really, really good with computers.  Really.

Her true identity is the Empress of the World.  Regrettably, she is currently in exile.  However, one of these days she'll gather her armies and take her rightful place on a really spiffy throne and get to wear a tiara.  Then the world will be filled with peace, harmony, and lots of chocolate.  The Empress doesn't care whether the trains run on time.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Who is the Elephant Boy?  Is he a small spirit who fixes computers at night if you leave him a little snack of milk and cookies?
A. No.

Q. Are you the Elephant Boy?
A. No.

Q. Can you send me a picture of the "real" Elephant Boy?

A. No.

Q. Why?
A. Because.

Q. Do you have any of those fancy certifications?

A. Alas, no. The Empress has gained her knowledge from many, many years of tenderly caring for countless numbers of computers. (1)

Q. Why don't you list your email address on this website?
A. Because of the nature of freelance technical support, people call us when they need a job done; they don't send an email.  The only people who would benefit from our putting an email address on this website are spammers, because their spambots will harvest the address.  We don't need body part enlargers.  We certainly could use a few million dollars, but we know we're not going to get it from the cousin of a deposed Nigerian dictator.

Q. Why don't you know everything about [insert name of Some Program here]? Luser.
A. Go into any big computer store and look at the software for sale. You will see hundreds of different programs, some of which are extremely complicated. Many people spend years - even go to school - to learn some of these programs like Photoshop and the Microsoft Office programs. Microsoft Access can bring even a strong person to tears at times. While I know DOS/Windows 3.1, Windows 95/98/ME/2000/XP/Vista/Windows 7, Windows Server, Linux and Mac OS X - I don't know everything. More's the pity. If I knew everything, I would Rule The World!!! See what you made me do? Now I have to go lie down for awhile.

Q. Can I call you if I don't live in the Fresno/Clovis area?
A. Since I don't do remote support, you must really mean "Can I call you for free tech support if I live in [insert name of City, Country, Galaxy here]". Wow, that would just be so....tacky. Even if you really meant you'd pay me, I don't take credit cards and I don't do remote support (2). So the answer is "No". 
And if you think I don't mean you, well... yes, yes I do.

Q. Why are you writing in the third person?
A. Because I like to pretend that Elephant Boy Computers consists of more than one person.  It's affected, OK?  Now you've made me cry.

Q. Why aren't there more questions and answers on this FAQ?
A. Because I got tired of making them up.


(1) OK, perhaps there have been instances of shouting, "Come on, you piece of cr*p!" and "Stupid Windows!" but in the end my little patients have been made All Better. (Or when their life is over have been respectfully sent to the Great Recycling Center in the Sky accompanied by "Amazing Grace" played on the bagpipes*).

*Not by me. I have a CD.

(2)We are currently in negotiations with Universe B to provide some specialized services. Contact Glipsnorr on your Blue 19 Channel for details and updates.


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